The Safe Center LI

Dylan Farrow’s Open Letter in the NY Times this past weekend, (LETTER) which outlined the sexual abuse allegedly perpetrated against her by her father, Woody Allen, when she was 7 years old, has set off a firestorm of controversy around the nation. Questions being raised in and out of Hollywood revolve around the timing of Dylan’s letter, and whether, as Allen’s lawyer claims, the memories were “implanted” in her brain by an angry, vengeful mother.

It’s not uncommon to question a victim’s disclosure when it happens, and it’s not uncommon to blame women for abuse when the men in their lives hurt their children. I, for one, believe Dylan Farrow and I’d like to tell you why.

I work at The Safe Center LI, an organization that helps victims of child abuse, domestic abuse, and sexual assault. The behaviors that Dylan Farrow described in her father are typical of the behaviors we see time and time again in the acts perpetrated against the innocent victims we serve. She remembers being uncomfortable around her father much of the time. He promised to make her a star. Her father used to isolate her. He routinely crossed physical boundaries with her. He told her it was their “secret”.

The sexual abuse of children proliferates in a climate of silence and ignorance. Predators count on it. It’s what lets them hurt children, (one in 5 of whom are sexually abused before they reach their 18^th birthdays). It’s also what allows them to get away with it. It’s what allows otherwise well-meaning adults to ask questions like “Why are there no other witnesses?”, and “Where’s the evidence?”

Dylan Farrow does not say that her molestation happened at a party in front of guests or a restaurant in full public view. She says it happened in a dark, attic-like room, with no one else around.

In my business we know that child sexual abuse generally happens in one adult-one child situations. Predators aren’t dumb. And neither is Woody Allen.

Ms. Farrow goes on to describe other behaviors that are often present in abusers. And her reactions were typical of victims. First, believing that this behavior was normal. Then, the fear and self-blame. The realization that depression, eating disorders and addiction are common in those who have been sexually violated. Abuse stays with you throughout your life. Yes, people do heal, but it takes work. And the support of loved ones who stand by you.

The fact that Dylan Farrow’s perpetrator is one of the most famous and most celebrated living directors makes it even more difficult. The fact that throngs of Hollywood so-and-sos have the uneducated nerve to stand up and defend this man makes healing even more of an uphill climb. The fact that Ms. Farrow was able to so eloquently and pointedly call out some in this crowd by name shows what true strength and resilience look like. And it begs the question, “What is wrong with Hollywood”?

Roman Polanski told his 13-year-old victim he would make her a star before drugging her, photographing her in the nude, and brutally raping her. Jurors that acquitted Michael Jackson zeroed in on the behavior of the victim’s mother rather than that of Mr. Jackson. The “Woody Allen Case” offers little new ground and a lot of familiar scenes to those of us who live in this reality.

Still, it’s hard to think someone we know and like would ever hurt a child. I see it time and time again in my work. I’ve seen family members and friends gather around a perpetrator, saying what a good man he is; even in cases where he’d been accused of raping his 10 year old daughter, or causing his two children, brother and sister, to have sex with each other, at 12 and 13 years old.

“The children must be lying,” they say. “They must have misinterpreted the touch, or the words.” Anything to believe that the horrible reality isn’t actually happening. Anything, including dismissing and accusing a victim, so as not to deal with the uncomfortable reality that all of us, by our silence, are responsible in some way for the fact that child sexual abuse happens.

Nowhere, however, is this attitude more prevalent or more damaging than Hollywood. So it’s not hard to understand why people like Barbara Walters of The View reacted to Dylan Farrow’s letter by talking about how wonderful a dad Woody Allen is, and, in the process, wasting a wonderful opportunity to educate her viewers on the evils of sex abuse. (WALTERS VIDEO)

Instead she told America she’s been around them. He’s very loving, you know. He and his wife, Soon-Yi, (who, for all intents and purposes, is also the daughter he began dating when she was 17) are such good parents together. And, when pressed by Jenny McCarthy to explain why Dylan Farrow would ever make this up, Barbara Walters just said “Well I don’t know about Dylan…”

That’s right, Barbara, you don’t. But I do. People in my business know Dylan all too well. Which is why you shouldn’t say a word about it. Your ignorant defense of a man who damaged the life of at least one young girl, has no place in our national discourse. It doesn’t make us smarter, and it doesn’t make us better. It may make you feel better, but the privilege you have of sharing your opinions with millions of Americans, 5 days a week, is not there to make you feel better. You also have a responsibility, and you blew it.

Whoopi Goldberg, who introduced the segment, seemed somewhat dismissive in her depiction of the description of abuse by Dylan Farrow. Perhaps I’m being unfair to Ms. Goldberg. She didn’t say anything one way or the other, but her voice seemed to drip with disbelief. Maybe I’m jaded from the last time she talked about a Hollywood hero who was also a molester of children. When the Roman Polanski story whipped up a few years back, and talk of extradition was in the news, Whoopi said, “Well it wasn’t rape-rape”. The victim was 13 at the time she reasoned so it was only rape because it was statutory. (GOLDBERG VIDEO)

Yes, Whoopi Whoopi, it is rape-rape. 13 year olds can’t consent to sex. And even if they could, drugging them with sedatives after getting them drunk and then brutally raping them from behind is rape no matter what the age of the victim. Whoopi didn’t bother to educate herself before talking about it. Just like Barbara. They seem to feel it is better to say how much we like and support the man and his art, then to have a frank discussion about how 1 in 6 American women are victims of rape or attempted rape at some point in their lives.

I’m not sure what Hollywood’s blind spot is when it comes to men who rape children. Dylan Farrow wondered the same thing when she asked Diane Keaton, Cate Blanchett and Alec Baldwin how they would feel if it was their child who was molested by Mr. Allen. She asked Scarlett Joahannson and Emma Stone to consider what it would be like if it were them? By asking that question, she asked them to stand up for her, and for victims everywhere. Diane Keaton did stand up. But when she did, she gave an award to Mr. Allen.

It’s not just Hollywood. It’s all of us. It’s each of us who harbors, deep inside, a secret wish that a child is lying. It’s each unspoken desire that the child would just be quiet, would just go away, so we don’t have to face the truth. We’re a nation that loves to say we’re tough on crime. Three strikes, you’re out. Lock ‘em up and throw away the key. But when it comes to the most prevalent crime there is, the most pernicious and destructive crime there is, we’re suddenly able to change perspective. “It happened so long ago.”, “Let’s all just take a deep breath here…”, or “He’s such a wonderful father”.

Sexual abuse is a crime, and it should be punished. But what is it called when apologists defend and excuse the abusers or obfuscate and confuse the issue? What should happen when adults, who say they care about children, create such an atmosphere of hostility and distrust toward anyone that comes forward, that victims make the choice to just keep quiet, to turn their depression, sadness and anger inward? To not speak up. What should we call that?

A few years ago, a young girl in my county was sexually molested by her mother’s boyfriend. He lived in the house with them, he acted as her father. He repeatedly raped and abused her, and then, at 13, prostituted her out to other grown men. He, unlike most of the other men who abuse children, was caught and convicted of multiple crimes.

On the day he was sentenced, this 13 year old girl stayed home from school. And after everyone left the house, she quietly took her own life. When the social workers came to the house to see how the family was doing, they saw pictures of her perpetrator all over the apartment. The girl’s mother was still referring to him as “a great man”.

Dylan Farrow has to see the face of her perpetrator everywhere she goes. She has to hear his name. And on top of that, he just received one of Hollywood’s highest honors. She bravely decided not to be quiet. She bravely decided not to turn her anguish inward. She decided to speak up, to stand up for herself and victims everywhere, despite the fact that the Cate Blanchetts, Barbara Walters,, Alec Baldwins and Diane Keatons of the world would prefer she would just quietly, and obsequiously, go away.

Hollywood will not stand up against Woody Allen just as they wouldn’t against Roman Polanski, Michael Jackson and others. Today, however, I choose to stand up for Dylan Farrow. I believe her story. Unfortunately, I have heard it too many times before.

Posted by Anthony Zenkus, LMSW. Mr. Zenkus is the Director of Education at The Safe Center LI on Long Island.